Eat, sleep, fence,...

and the winner is...

2006-09-04T15:28:00.000Z

...ME!

I've just found out that I've won the photography competition at this year's Brecon Jazz Festival. I shall ready myself for the fame and riches that will surely follow this prestigious "Brecon and Radnor Express" award.

You can admire the winning entry here.

More news and self-congratulation to follow I'm sure.

Brecon

2006-08-17T19:33:00.000Z

I went back to work for 4 days, but didn't think much of it, so I went on holiday again. We usually head down to south Wales for Sian's birthday and this year we spent a very pleasant week at our favorite award-winning-loo-of-the-year campsite.

First on the schedule, however, was a trip to Devon to stay with Tracy's family, who have a POOL! My three favorite moments of that weekend were:

1 - Clambering on the rocks

2 - Fliss teaching us to stand on our faces (with hilarious consequences)

3 - The Big News
We took our leave and onwards to Brecon. A bit of walking, a bit of eating cake, the usual routine. Tim and Elspeth joined us for the second weekend, which was jolly nice, and we all went into Brecon on the Sunday to soak up some of the jazz festival atmosphere. Sadly, the atmosphere wasn't too great this year as the powers that be had removed most of the street events that made the festival so special. The Marsden Jazz Festival is a bit closer to home and is coming up soon, so I hope that will be better.

I've put a few photos from the week in the gallery, but I'll leave you with this lovely photo of Tim and his new ears.

Lake District 2006

2006-08-01T19:57:00.000Z

I'm currently having a week a work resting between holidays. How nice.

Last week we were in the Lake District, which was considerably nicer.

For the first few nights we camped near Patterdale on the shore of Ullswater. It's a beautiful area and each day we were forced to make the tough choice between lounging by the Lake and walking in the fantastic hills nearby. Although I wasn't able to tempt Sian into doing Striding Edge we did have a great walk up to the Knot and back down through the valley to the south of Patterdale via a very nice lunch stop at this tarn.

We also saw some enormous dragon flies. This one nearly bit Sian's leg off:

The second half of the week we stayed at the Garth Country House. We stayed there last year too and we were so impressed by the lovely house, friendly welcome, cooked breakfast and croquet lawn that we had to go again.

Back to work this week, but not for long.

Jet set

2006-07-20T08:40:00.000Z

Well, those months went by quickly.

I had my two week trip to Abu Dhabi, came back for a couple of weeks, then went to Abu Dhabi again. It's an interesting place to work, but I can't really see the attraction of taking a holiday there. Fuelled by oil money, the country has surged from little more than a collection of huts to a large western city in just a few decades. If, by western, you mean skyscrapers, cheap drink and pervasive prostitution.

I was out there to work on an assessment for an offshore oil and gas platform in the middle of the Gulf, equidistant from the UAE, Qatar and Iran. It's about 180km offshore, which means a very noisy, cramped, but quite exciting trip in a helicopter to get there. I'm afraid I can't show you what it looks like as cameras aren't allowed anywhere near the platform for security reasons. You can understand them being cautious, especially as the platform I was visiting has been hit by missiles from Iran in the past.

Not much to report since I got back. Lots of sitting in the garden, house maintenance jobs and the normal trials of everyday life. I know I'd usually tell you all about that as well, but it's about time I got on with some work.

Summer Travels

2006-05-22T22:00:00.000Z

Recently work had settled down into a fairly comfortable routine. I was doing local work and, truth be told, not really enough of it to trouble me particularly. The closest that I've come to pushing the envelope is sorting out the evening post.

Funny how things can change, isn't it?

In the last week I've been working on a last minute job assessing water treatment lagoons in Israel for one of my "besta collega's" in the Netherlands and on Friday I'm flying out to Dubai and the UAE to do a big oil and gas project.

Wish me luck folks!

Anniversary Treat

2006-05-22T20:26:00.000Z

For our anniversary I booked us in for dinner and a room at the Weavers Shed. It's a converted cloth-finishing mill that now serves up locally grown food good enough to win it a bucket load of awards and top reviews in the national press.

Sometimes things can be a bit of a disappointment when they've been built up, but this was every bit as fantastic as we'd been led to believe. The service was friendly and helpful, the decor was cozy yet classy, and the food was a perfect balance between traditional and imaginative.

As an extra treat, we stayed the night in one of their lovely rooms. It felt incredibly extravagant to be paying for a room this close to home, but the four-poster bed and the sumptuous breakfast convinced me it was all worth-while.

Hot Desking?

2006-05-11T13:00:00.000Z

I thought you'd like to see today's hot desking arrangement.

I'd also like to say how much I like the fact the wireless broadband lets me listen to TMS in the garden.

Life is good folks, life is good.

Proper Graftin'

2006-05-11T08:06:00.000Z

That's what we've been doing. We've cleared, dug, leveled, dug, mixed and dumped. All of which has resulted in something that is starting to look like Sian's vision of a garden. We've got trenches filled with reinforced concrete down each side of the soon-to-be path and a garden full of stone that now needs laying. Sadly, I can't do brick laying so I'm going to have to wait until someone comes to teach my how. Still it's getting there.

Interestingly, I believe "grafting" is applied to general hard work and laboring, but I discovered that it actually has more specific origin and, like much of Yorkshire speak, comes from the Danish:

Graft, n. C. (pr. graft). The depth of a spade in digging also applied to that which is dug up by a single turn of the spade. Dan. At grofte (to dig a trench).
Ex.A spade graff deep.

Who said the internet wasn't educational?

Dig it Man!

2006-05-01T21:20:00.000Z

We're entering Phase Two of Project Garden Gnome.

Simon, the hero of the decking last year, is coming up again next weekend to help us create our dream garden. Well, not my dream garden because it still won't have a tree house and a dog, but I'm sure it will be nice. In order to get things ready we've been breaking and digging up the existing patio and associated sand, and piling up the bits in more convenient places. Such as the municipal tip.

The garden is now looking much bigger, but it also looks like a bomb's landed in it. I'm hoping Simon will weave his magic to make it look nice again.

I've had quite a nice hobby week to. I had a race yesterday and you can read about that in the running blog. I've also taken some photos that I've been pleased with. I've put them in my gallery and, much to my delight, lots of people seem to like them. Particularly one of a snail. Perhaps I should abandon my pretensions of gritty, arty black and white and just take pictures of bugs and slimy things.

Peaks Weekend

2006-04-25T21:18:00.000Z

I'd spent weeks planning all the fine detail of this trip. Not the trip itself you understand, that's what wives are for. I had, however, made a significant investment of time thinking about jokes to tell about it. Most of these centred on the hilarious word play of referring to the pregnant Hilary as Big Hils and comparisons to the local orography. Hilary, most inconveniently, hardly looks pregnant at all. How rude.

Still, despite this terrible disappointment I made the best of it and had a nice weekend anyway. We had a lovely walk in Dove Dale on the Saturday and went to Monsal Viaduct on Sunday. Sunday also saw us take in the delights of Bakewell and its famous tarts.

Here's a picture of us enjoying Dove Dale. Later on the sun came out. No, really, it did.

The Trial Ends

2006-04-08T16:30:00.000Z

We made it! Four days of child-minding responsibility and this is how the stats look:

Children at Start: 4

Children at End: 4

Tantrums: 6

Tantrums by Children: 4

Bumped heads: 1

Bekky Cuddles for Chris: 2

Bekky Cuddles for Sian: 786

Not a bad result, I think you'll agree. It seems like this child-raising is easier than it looks. Well, as long as you can give them to someone else after a few days and then spend the next week sleeping.

Good luck to Hilary and Henry and Trish and Cory. You're going to need it folks.

In other news, I've decided to put my running and training diary in another blog so I don't bore you with it here. It's mainly for my benefit, but if anyone is interested, it's here.

Big Brother's Child-Minding Challenge

2006-04-02T07:09:00.000Z

It’s 8am in the Big Brother house. The children are just waking and have started playing with noisy toys. Chris, who is hung-over and feeling slightly queasy, is starting to worry about breakfast time.

Today’s challenge is going to be getting through the day without losing a child. Let’s see how they get on…

boys watch the birds while the birds watch the boys who watch the birds go tweet

2006-03-31T13:21:00.000Z

An interesting ornithological morning today. I've not been at home during the day for a while and I've only been seeing a couple of sparrows and a robin in the garden. It was quite a surprise to find that the later breakfast shift includes blue tits, a coal tit, blackbirds, starlings and what I think are a couple of greenfinches. I felt quite relaxed watching them twitter around the garden.

I suspect that I should make the most of it as next week I am helping to look after my brother's four (yes, FOUR) children, while he and Sandra go for their honeymoon. I predict that peace and quiet might be at a premium.

Wish me luck!

Getting Active

2006-03-20T19:12:00.000Z

I've been getting active recently! I've not had as much time for fencing as I'd like over the last year or so, so I thought I'd better get myself fit some other way. As some of you know, I did a 10k road race in Huddersfield with Tracy a few weeks ago, and I've signed myself up for a couple more races over the next month and a bit. I'll be trying to race these ones so I've been running quite a bit to increase my mileage and stamina. Thanks to the wonders of google, I can even share my routes with you. How exciting is that? Not very? Well, marvel at the geekery, even if you're not that bothered about running routes. This was tonight's effort, which I ran in about 46 minutes. That's a bit on the slow side, but it's a hillly route so that's ok.

I also went for a walk on Kinder Scout yesterday. The less said about that the better really as I forgot my compass and got lost in fog on the top of the moor. I made it down in one piece though, so that's nice.

It looks quite nice in that one, doesn't it? Not so nice at the top about 2 hours later, as these loopy fell runners discovered.

Yeah, yeah, no posts for ages. Sorry and all that.

"I am not a number!" "You are number 303225."

2005-12-12T11:07:00.000Z

More from work email land. Today an email from my Dutch finance department was forwarded to me. It contained the alarming news that they had

“spotted some missing hours for resource 303225.”

Smithers! Release the hounds!

That reminds me. I bought Kate Bush’s “The Hounds of Love” a few weeks ago. What a splendid album it is.

Um… that’s all for now.

Regards,
Resource 303225

Peace and Goodwill

2005-12-09T13:53:00.000Z

I thought you might all like an insight into life at my company, so I am going to share with you two emails that arrived almost simultaneously in my inbox this morning.

Email 1:

To: Everyone
From: A Senior Engineer
Subject: Thankyou
Morning Campers,
Sorry for a global spam and I apologise to those who this does not concern, but I would just like to thank the cretin who reversed into my car yesterday evening leaving me to spend 30min in the freezing cold trying to repair the bumper and wing so I could drive home. I appreciate the car is old but it was roadworthy and it gets me from A to B, so the fact that the spineless individual couldn't own up to it and that it one of my (our) colleagues worries me somewhat that we employ them. I only hope that you have all the bad luck possible for 2006 as punishment - maybe the same will happen to you and it'll
cost you an awful lot more.
Merry Xmas - " insert appropriate expletive"

Email 2:

To: Everyone
From: A Director
Subject: Fiat Panda
Would the owner of the Fiat Panda, Registration No: xxxxxx, please contact me.

doesn't time fly when you're having stress?

2005-11-19T14:14:00.000Z

Sorry for the lack of blog over the last few weeks, time seems to sped up, leaving no time to keep you devoted folk up to date with the tedious minutia of my life.

Sadly, quite of lot of my time has been taken up by work. Like an old woman in a shoe, I have so many clients I don’t know what to do. I suspect, however, that giving them broth without any bread, whipping them soundly and sending them to bed is unlikely to go down well. So much for nursery rhymes as a source of life guidance.

I have also been fencing once or twice, and I’m making progress in Huddersfield. I’ve got agreement in principle for a more organised coaching system and we’ll be restarting the annual club competition over the next few weeks. After that it’s the AGM, so I need to keep pushing gently to keep up the momentum of change. I am feeling a bit more optimistic about it now, especially as I’ve been asked to run some weekend training days and provide extra lessons for some people.

The weekends have also been quite busy recently. We’ve been down to see Mike and Helene in Reading, where we also met up with Elspeth and Tim. For me the highlight was Mike saying to Helene that if she didn’t go back to work when they have a baby it might mean “a change in lifestyle.” Having a baby might mean a change in lifestyle? Really? I’m so looking forward to seeing “Mike the Dad”.

We also took a trip to Cardiff to see Sian’s family and some friends who are slightly further along the family production line. It appears that my previously noted powers of attraction to small animals also apply to children. For some reason Jayne and Sam saw fit to let me play with their little boy Sebastian. By the time we left he was so tired he could hardly stand up, but still had the strength to maintain a vice-like grip on my finger. I was so exhausted I slept for the rest of the weekend.

Finally, we’ve also been feeling a bit more like “locals”. Last week we went to the Chocolate Shop Café’s Christmas launch party thing, with free drinks and chocolates. Next week they are turning on the Christmas lights in Slaithwaite and the conservation group are having a little party afterwards. What a rock'n' roll life we lead, eh?

Protect Your Home...

2005-10-30T19:56:00.000Z

... from evil spirits with the latest in Pumpkin Spookiness!

This year my Janus-inspired Pumpkin will offer you the choice of both menacing ferocity:

and slightly-less-menacing cheekiness:

WooOOoOoOoOOoOOoOOOoOoOOOOOOooOooOOOooo!

I have something even scarier for you next time. More frightening magazine covers! Can you bare this much excitement?

Local Spooks

2005-10-30T16:57:00.000Z

With Samhein and all the associated ghosts and pumpkins almost upon us I decided to have a search for some local spooks. The first thing I turned up was

"The appearance of an Apparition to James Sympson of Huddersfield in Yorkshire, an elderly Broad-cloth Weaver, commanding him to do strange things in Pall Mall, and what he did. A wonderful narrative in two parts."

I thought the description of it might amuse some of you:

The narrative is a clever political squib, and perhaps a parody on some more serious story of a ghost which expounded the spots on the sun, for the apparition says:
"Observe what I say, James, and register it in your memory; for you will have to repeat it in high places. There are seventeen flea-bites between your wrist and your elbow, and there are an equal number of spots on the sun, and the bites and the spots have an equal effect on the state of the weather."

grand plans

2005-10-23T09:32:00.000Z

I had grand plans for this weekend. Each event would flow seamlessly into the next as I sailed through a complex work and social life with effortless grace.

You will have realised, of course, that this didn’t happen. I managed stage 1, by getting down to Peterborough for a course on negotiation skills on Friday morning. Stage 2 was looking a bit dodgy as my intended hosts for the evening, Mike and family, decided that going on holiday was a better option. However, they had kindly left me a key to let myself in, so that worked out ok. Stages 3 and 4 involved getting to Bedford to see Tim’s concert and go fencing on Sunday. This is where the plan fell apart. British Fencing failed to send out my renewed membership details, failed to answer my emails, and failed to answer their phone, which all meant that I wasn’t going to be able to fence. Thoroughly fed up, I decided to drive home on Friday instead. Sorry Tim, I’ll try to come to another concert when I’m slightly less grumpy!

Stage 5 was going to be getting the train into London from Bedford on Monday, but now I have to get up at silly o’clock to get there on time. Ho hum.

I must say that Sian’s alternative offer of dry-stone walling on Saturday wasn’t looking too appealing. Not only do I miss yet another fencing competition and have to trek half the length of the country twice, I spend my weekend on a chain gang doing activities usually reserved for young offenders on community service.

Despite my initial reservations, I did quite enjoy myself. I’m always amused by local characters and the session started well with the following exchange:

“Should I tek me mac?”
“Nah, if rains tha’ll get wet, lass.”

I love the way this sort of statement is made with such disdain, as if nothing could be more obvious.

The walling itself was quite good fun, and we haven’t been left with too many bumps and bruises. I expected to have a sore back, legs and shoulders, but these seem to be fine. However, both of us do have quite sore wrists. Can anybody tell me if this is normal? Sian and I speculated that Elspeth’s dad must be quite fit to be out dry-stone walling. We figured it was probably good training for his annual December trip.

*** UPDATE 8pm Sunday ***
I have just checked a website to check what time my meeting starts on Monday. Turns out it starts in November. I was a whole month out. Just as well I came home, eh?

diss the girls and make them cry

2005-10-08T13:00:00.000Z

I had an interesting night at fencing on Thursday. James W, one of Huddersfield's most successful sporting sons, indeed one of Britain's best fencers of recent years, came to visit our lowly club again.

He came to offer his time to coach at the club. This is an offer that any person in their right mind would jump at.

Unfortunately, some of my fellow coaches at the club are apparently not in their right minds. Let's call them F and D. Now, F and D put a lot of effort into running the club, week in and week out. Each week exactly like the last. The slogan for the club is "we fear change". They either don't believe that the club can become a competitive one again, or simply don't want it to be. I'm not sure which.

Our esteemed visitor said to me that he didn't want to step on any toes, while I explained that I've spent the last year trying to make changes without upsetting people and failed miserably. This prompted me to explain to F some of the things I think could be improved at the club. F listened attentively and politely, before announcing "I'm really offended by what you have said," and running off in tears.

Part of me felt sorry for offending someone who gives so much time to the club. The rest of me, however, feels that I have now given a fair amount of time as well and, quite frankly, the club needs a kick up the backside to stop it dying a slow and painful death. Now, I don't want to upset people, partly because I respect their effort, and partly because I don't want to have to deal with the admin of the club, but I think after a year coaching there I need to stop faffing about and just get on with it.

We would be fools to turn down James' offer and if I upset a few people by getting him on board I think it'll be a price worth paying. Blog readers can probably expect a few similar rants over the next few months. Sorry about that.

from our Done correspondent

2005-10-03T07:48:00.000Z

James reports:

No doubt regular readers of Chris' blog have been waiting in anticipation of my attempt to beat Chris' magazine article. Well, I came away from the magazine section in Safeways feeling slightly confused. I can't work out whether the Weekly World News is meant to be taken seriously or not - it wouldn't surprise me. Then I came across the entire section on guns and the best way to bag a bear - all rather worrying.

One more thing while I'm here. I'm working temporarily in Richland, Washington, and on my way into town there was a huge sign the read 'God Bless America. God Bless George Bush'. I can't get back to Boulder fast enough.

Hmmmmm, you never hear 'God Bless Tony Blair' do you?

No, I don't think they were the words on everyone's lips at the labour conference in Brighton last week.

You win this time James, but I'll be back!

little white lies

2005-09-30T20:15:00.000Z

This weekend Sian's parents are bringing her Gramp up to visit us for the first (and, most likely, only) time. This will be lovely, as it will give us a chance to show him what a difference his help has made to our life. It also presents us with a problem. Or "opportunity" to any management consultants out there.

You see, Sian's Nan was quite fond of the odd ornament. She also thought other people might like the odd ornament. As a result, we have some odd ornaments.

Family policy is to accept gratefully, then donate all the gifts that, although we think they are beautiful, we might not have room for to the local charity shop. We do this knowing that Gramp is unlikely to visit. Until now.

Fortunately, we have kept back some potentially significant items for just this eventuality. So, this evening we have been trying to place some hideous statues around the house, trying to make them blend in. Let me tell you, it hasn't been easy. There is a reason Ikea don't try to flog you crystal figurines with your Billy bookcase.

To give you some idea of the scale of the task, here is an example of what we are dealing with:

Wish us luck.

While I'm posting pictures of things to give you nightmares. Take a look at this, which I took in the supermarket the other day

I can only assume the woman on the right is screaming in horror at this abomination that passes for a magazine.

the news

2005-09-29T13:28:00.000Z

Tim and Elspeth kindly introduced me to a whole new subculture at the weekend. Tim was tubering at the National Brass Band Championships in Harrogate and Elspeth and I drove up just to ~~go to Betty’s Tea Rooms~~ support him.

It was a fascinating experience. Being familiar with the disproportionately tall, thin population of the fencing community, I’d often wondered where the short, round people went.

Now I know.

The trade stands were a real joy. Even after seeing Tim’s CD collection, I wasn’t prepared for the sheer number of unlikely sounding recordings. Sadly, my quest for a “Grimethorpe Colliery Band play Hendrix” CD was in vain. I think I did spot a “Black Dyke Sabbath” though.

Although I must admit to being a brass band novice, I thought Tim’s band did really well. Although they didn’t win, they did achieve the coveted “not last” position, so well done to them.

It can’t have been easy, up against the might of bands like my local champions Slaithwaite, who cruised to a well-deserved 15th place.

the muse

2005-09-29T13:11:00.000Z

I’m really not sure where the time is going at the moment. I’m sure it was only a few weeks ago that I was basking in the glorious late evening sunlight on the equally glorious decking. The other day I was going to blog that autumn had arrived as a leaf fell off our tree and I saw a Robin in the garden. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quick enough and it seems we’ve already moved onto winter. We’ve got the heating on, it’s dark when I get up and it’s almost dark when I go home.

Ah well, I should be pleased really. I think winter is my favourite season. Or at least it makes the top four. Lets weigh up the pros and cons.

Winter – The Case For
1. days off work for snow
2. snuggling under a duvet
3. wearing a scarf

Winter – The Case Against
1. the cold
2. the dark
3. the icicles that my wife claims are really her feet

For me, number 3 is the key argument. After all, one must accessorise!

photography field trip

2005-09-14T19:00:00.000Z

This evening, enthused by some positive feedback about my photography and keen for some fresh air, I set off in pursuit of the marvelous local photographs that have so far eluded me. I remembered seeing some abandoned cottages on the hillside between Slaithwaite and Marsden so I checked them on my map and hopped in the car. Parking up, I could see my target above me, looming photogenically. I'd remembered my tripod and big camera bag with my toys in it and I was still clutching my map, so perhaps being encumbered played a part. I suspect, however, that my eagerness and not looking where I was going may also have contributed.

In any case, I ended up as damp and boggy a thing as you've seen since Elspeth fell into the Black Bog at New Year.

Luckily, the camera survived and I got some photos. If any are presentable I'll stick them on the web at some point.

Excuse me, I really must go and dry some clothes before Sian comes home and laughs at me.

Quick Update

2005-09-12T15:20:00.000Z

We went for a nice walk around the Colne Valley at the weekend. I managed to acquire a dog, but this time the owners were there so I didn't have to drive it home again afterwards.

I'd write more but it's tea on the last afternoon of the Ashes, Pieterson has just reached 100 and I'm far too excited to be at work.

One other thing - I've started putting some of my photos on Deviant Art. Take a look if you're interested.

2005-08-31T11:19:00.000Z

We hosted Hannah's birthday party at the weekend. As requested, there was rather a lot of cake. I even made some jelly for the first time in about twenty years. As her contribution, Hannah brought an Australian. Technically, the Australian was Ruth's, but as Hannah drove (*gasp*) both of them all the way from Clitheroe, I'll give the credit to her. In any case, Austalians are always welcome in my house, as long as we are winning the cricket.

I think Hannah had a nice time. Here is a picture of her looking lovely. Or is it Tatania, Queen of the Fairies?

Life in Bahrain

2005-08-23T15:00:00.000Z

There is a fabulous life to be had as an expat in Bahrain. Unless, of course, you're an Asian immigrant worker.

I met these men while I was out looking at the industrial areas in Bahrain. They were taking a break by the side of the road, sheltering under a palm tree. I pointed at the camera and they all broke into big smiles and jumped up to have their picture taken. Workers like these are picked up in open trucks at the start of the day and dropped at the work sites. They labour all day in the heat and dust before being transported like cattle back to their shelters. Some of the shelters are literally tin shacks. I saw one converted 20 foot shipping container. I don't know how many it housed. Some of the men are paid less than 2 Dinars a day. That's about £3.

I'm just a travelling man

2005-08-20T23:00:00.000Z

So, I’ve made it to Bahrain again. My confidence in the efficiency of air travel, however, has taken a nosedive. Actually, I think the more accurate analogy is that it made a spluttering start, coughed a little, then decided to remain on the runway.

The flight from Leeds was a joy, and I was mulling over writing a blog entry about how much I enjoy flying. I was ready to sooth you with the peace of watching England’s colourful patchwork cloak unfold beneath me. The hills, I would have told you, were robed in a rich purple heather and crowned by the sunrise.

Then we descended into London’s damp and miserable gloom.

I should have recognised pathetic fallacy when I saw it.

The BA stars (insert your own “d”) tell me they’ve overbooked my next flight and offer me one that gets in into Bahrain about an hour before I’m due in a meeting. Thanks, but no thanks. A combination of stern looks and pleading gets me onto the plane. Little did I realise that the deal did not extend to my luggage, which, to my knowledge, is still enduring the terminal wait at Heathrow.

Fortunately, I was rescued by my colleagues here, who took me straight to the Seef Mall. Half an hour to buy every stitch of clothing in which to give a presentation to a client the next morning. Never have I shopped so manfully and so efficiently. Never have I owned such a perfectly matched outfit. From my brown leather shoes to my crisp silk tie, I was Dressed.

I even, my mother would be pleased to hear, remembered to buy new pants.

Spreading the Words

2005-08-01T09:42:00.000Z

From time to time the internet confounds all expectations and rises above its usual mundane purpose of free ~~pornography~~ commerce.

I was happily ensconced on the sofa yesterday with those staples of any good weekend, a nice cup of tea and the Sunday paper. (The “Sunday Paper”, just like a normal newspaper, but without the news. Perfect.) So, I was lazily leafing through the Observer's Review section, reading about all the events taking place in London that I won't go and see, when I stumbled on a piece about “bookcrossing”.

As with all web fads that reach the general public, bookcrossing has apparently been going for years without anyone paying it much attention. Basically, although you're probably better off looking at the website, bookcrossing is a system for people to leave books for others to read, and for those books to be tracked and reviewed as they make their way around the country, or indeed, the world.

As I've recently been rediscovering the joys of reading, this appealed to me and it struck me as the sort of thing that you lot would like as well. It appears Huddersfield is a bit short of book crossers, so I might have to leave my hunt for a book until I’m in Leeds or York, but you might have more luck. Let me know if you find one!

2005-07-28T08:17:00.000Z

Most mornings I receive an email saying that my mail box is over its size limit. Today, however, the system decided that I had been over my meager limit for so long that I shouldn't be allowed to send emails any more. It's an interesting policy. Imagine if it applied to your voice mail. You have too many messages, therefore you aren't allowed to return any of the calls you missed. Genius.

Anyway, I figured I'd better delete some old ones, as even the ones in my "deleted" box count towards my quota. This is a slightly arduous process as we only have super-slow webmail in our office. In fact, it gives me just about enough time to read each of the emails while it thinks about deleting them. Thus, my morning was brightened by all the amusing junk exchanged over the last year or so. Having been bored by some radio 4 drivel recently, I particularly enjoyed this one.

From: Epeefool
To: Ian Rutt
Subject: BBC's Jenny Abramsky

quote

"There have been times when some programming has not been good enough," she said. "Some of the quizzes on Radio 4 have been painful."

unquote

Power to the People (or "Give me my Money")

2005-07-26T18:31:00.000Z

Those of you with long memories may remember that back in the dim and distant past, oh, must be about two months ago now, I sanded the floor in my living room. What I haven't told you is that the sanding machine used for this operation is still sat in my hallway. This is slightly annoying.

What is more annoying is the 300 quid that has been sitting in the floor sander hire company's bank account.

In fairness, I should never have expected them to be efficient in collecting the sander and returning my deposit as they did give me early warning of their utter incompetence. We originally asked for a one day hire of the kit on the Thursday, but were told it wasn't available that day so we'd have to have the weekend hire. On Thursday, Sian had just arrived in town when they called her mobile to say they'd come to deliver the sander and where was she? For added annoyance, Sian was in town to get her car serviced so she had to get the bus home to meet them. So, we now have the sander, on the morning originally requested, but by now I'm in work so we can't do it until the weekend. Not only that, but because they delivered on the Thursday, they charged us the three-day hire rather than the cheaper weekend-hire or day-hire that we asked for in the first place. This is quite annoying.

So... we do the sanding, the floor is nice and shiny and all is right with the world. They come and collect on Sunday night, return our deposit, acknowledge their mistakes, reduce the hire fee and go on their way with a cheery wave.

Oh, wait, I think I dreamt that last part. Let me check, is that a sander in my hallway two months later? Yes, I do believe it is.

At this point, the narrative enters a Groundhog Day style loop. We call, they promise to phone back with a pick-up date, we wait, we call, they say they'll pick on the next day, we wait at home for the WHOLE DAY, they don't turn up, we call, they promise to phone back, ...., and onwards in an endless spiral to insanity and large telephone bills.

Then I decide to break the loop. I say, "I don't think you should be charging me for this sander hire. Also, I don't care if you pick up the sander, just give me my money back." They promise to return the money.

Foolishly, I believe them.

Fortunately, they don't come to pick it up so I've still got my bargaining piece.

Today, they call to ask if they can come and pick it up. I say, "no, not unless you give me my money. Not just the deposit. Every last penny."

They say "ok." They refund the money and fax me the receipt as proof. I smile triumphantly. I promise to phone to let them know when we're in.

Foolishly, they believe me.

Seven days closer to the big deadline, but seven days closer to a holiday!

2005-07-23T10:00:00.000Z

I’ve had a thoroughly successful week at work, facilitated by working last Saturday to claw my way back into the race against time. The resulting efficiency at work has left me with that warm inner glow. You know the one? I think it might be smugness.

Having said that, I can’t say I’m too keen to make work a regular feature of my weekend. Fortunately, I now feel like I’ve got on top of things and I feel pretty confident I can stay there. For a while at least!

My warm, smug glow was stoked to a roaring flame this week when I won a big fat project at work. Despite being so busy, I’ve had a nagging feeling that I haven’t actually generated the work myself. Of course, it’s difficult to do much marketing when it’s all you can do to keep up with the existing workload, but it has bothered me all the same. I feel I can really relax in the job, knowing that I can do the business part as well as the technical work.

I should say, like working for a well-known high street bank, it’s not all work work work.

Having had my parents and Robin and Paul to visit on Sunday, we nipped up to Hannah’s on Monday night. Robin and Paul were there on the next leg of their Northern Tour and Jon, typically, “happened to be passing”. Actually, Jon had been visiting his new ladyfriend and, most unusually, decided to introduce her to us. She was very nice, so we can only hope that it all works out so Jon can join the club of boys with girls who are better than the boys deserve. Being a card-carrying member myself, I can thoroughly recommend it.

Banned!

2005-07-18T13:20:00.000Z

Clearly, my extreme political views and subversive ideals have been noticed by the authorities. Steve has just emailed to let me know that I've been banned in the Middle East!

a thing of rare beauty

2005-07-17T10:43:00.000Z

No, not me. The decking is complete! Well, pretty much ;)

Behold the grandeur of our palatial residence!

Behold the Heroic Simon with his Heroic Drill, astride the DIY world like a colossus!

Crowds will flock to see, marvel and have ANCOTAASD.

Work, rest and play

2005-07-13T17:23:00.000Z

The last week or so has been spent on two things only. Working and trying to forget about work.

The work has been going ok, although I’m still a bit nervous about the end of the month deadlines. Thanks for your comments on the previous post; it’s nice to remember that friends and family are out there, even if I don’t have time to see you very much!

Fortunately, the forgetting about work has been more fun. I’ve been making an effort to get a decent amount of exercise. Given that I’ve missed a load of the fencing competitions that I wanted to do this year, I can at least make the effort to train hard over the summer to be ready for September. As a result, I’ve been out running, and started doing some more weights at home. On top of that, Sian and I went for a swim and played our first game of tennis since moving up north. We were pretty rubbish, but having said that, we were rubbish to start with so it isn’t much of deterioration. As the courts are just at the bottom of the road I hope we’ll manage to keep it up.

We’ve booked our holiday for August, so I’ve got even more incentive to get all this work done. It’s nice to have a carrot as well as a deadline-shaped stick. I keep finding myself glancing at the office holiday calendar, as if someone might have stolen my vacation, or moved it back, or (even more frightening) moved it forward.

Once in a lifetime

2005-07-03T11:10:00.000Z

It occure to me that my blog tends to be a place where I record all the nice weekends and trips away that I have, leaving the reader with a slightly rose-tinted view of my life. Now, I’m not saying that it’s inaccurate, as I think I’m more content with my life now than I’ve ever been before. Unlike David Byrne, I’m not telling myself that this is not my beautiful house or that this is not my beautiful wife. I am, however, telling myself that I am tired and stressed about work.

Usually with peaks in my workload, it’s because I have one large project and the deadline is looming like a monolith on the horizon. It seems stressful, but at least I know I can relax once I get there. Now, I have a number of projects that are all enormous. Power station, oil refineries, international container ports and the prospect of appearing as an expert witness at a Public Inquiry. The deadlines are still doing their looming act, but this time it looks more like a line of giant dominoes stretching into the distance. Sadly, the resemblance ends there, as they are unlikely to tumble in order while I sit back and enjoy the show. As I may have already moaned to some of you, I’ve already had to cancel the holiday in July that I was feeling desperate for more than a month ago. If you don’t see more for a while, try digging under the mound of paper at my desk. I might be under there somewhere.

Oh, to be in England

2005-06-27T17:30:00.000Z

Robert Browning was waxing poetic about April, but June's not bad. Maybe he suffered from hay fever as well?

Bahrain was an experience, but it certainly is nice to be home. Every evening since I got back I’ve been sat out on my new decking, bathed in warm evening sunshine, beverage in hand, listening to the birds twittering and admiring the view. It’s been absolutely bloody marvellous.

It's a proper English country garden at the moment...

Big foxgloves!

Good for wildlife too. This is a bee, for all your townies. Bonus marks if you can name the flower.

2005-06-18T22:00:00.000Z

The BBC are telling me it’s going to be 30C in London this weekend. You think that’s hot, huh? Well let me tell you – that’s not even close. It was 38C when my plane landed at 7pm last night, and today it’s been over 40. And it’s humid too. Boy oh boy. Am I looking forward to that skiing holiday?

Today was my first day in the office, settling in and getting to know people. It’s a small office out here and they’re a friendly bunch so I think this should be a pleasant trip. For lunch we went out to “Maggies” for fish and chips. I hope they start serving battered snapper down in Slawit because it was delicious with the mushy peas.

In the afternoon I sat in on the team meeting to go over projects and proposals. There are a remarkable number of mind-boggling developments going on in this part of the world. The majority of them involve reclaiming large amounts of the sea to form preposterously shaped islands. I was going to tell you about the environmental damage they’re doing, but, frankly, it’s too depressing so I’m going to read my book instead.

I’ve got my first client meeting tomorrow, which should give me a bit more of an insight to the way business works in Bahrain. I’m also hoping to make it into the pool before work, but I guess that will depend on whether I get woken up by the call to prayer at some ungodly hour in the morning.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

2005-06-16T20:00:00.000Z

Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh babe, I hate to go

Actually, I feel John Denver could have saved himself a lot of hassle by simply purchasing a return ticket. And not piloting experimental aeroplanes.

Personally, I've taken the more conventional route, bought tickets and I'll be back next Thursday. However, like John Denver

All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go

Obviously, I'll have forgotten something, but assuming I remember my tickets, passport and a credit card I should be ok.

Speaking of my passport, I was hoping regale you with a curmudgeonly tale of UK Passport Office woe. Much to my intense disappointment, they were remarkably efficient. I was served within 5 minutes of my appointment time, was dealt with quickly and politely, and to cap it all, my fresh new passport was ready when I arrived to pick it up.

What is this country coming to, I ask you?

And another thing.... it appears even the hotel I'll be staying at is going to fail to provide any amusing horror stories. Well, as long as it lives up to the extravagant and outrageous boast of its website that is has

Adequately experienced and friendly staff

So, kiss me and smile for me, and tell me that you’ll wait for me. I'll be back in a week with my tales of hotel adequacy.

pack the bucket and spade!

2005-06-08T18:06:00.000Z

My carefully thought out work schedule was blown out of the water today by the news that I might need to go to Bahrain next Friday.

I was already planning to be in Southend from Saturday to Tuesday, and now I also need to spend a day at the Passport Office as my current one has less than six months left on it and you need more to travel to Bahrain. Does anyone know where you can buy more days in the week?

On an amusing note, I also spent an hour on the phone to a copy writer so I can be featured in the “expert interview” slot in the summer edition of our client magazine. Quite an honour I think you’ll agree. I was hoping to be the centrefold, but you can’t have everything.

Just Do It!

2005-06-07T12:55:00.000Z

I'm still feeling smug about my floor. I could sit and look at it for hours. Probably just as well as we don't have a telly.

Elspeth has asked about the our DIY book. It is from Marks and Spencer and it's actually quite good for nice simple jobs. However, I feel I should confess my usual feeling on Doing It Myself. I try to avoid all Doing as it tends to go wrong and finish up with me crying and throwing my toys out of the pram. Sian is, understandably worried by this as the toys are generally things like hammers and saws.

I feel a far better option is to Pay Someone Else, which has the following advantages:

you can spend your valuable time doing something else, preferably in the pub;
you don't risk wounding your wife with carelessly hurled tools and/or invective; and
the thing being done stays done and doesn't fall down.

Of course, this doesn't apply if you are someone like Simon, whose work on our garden leaves me agape with wonder. By the time I had made some tea, got out my work, drunk some tea, checked my email and put the kettle on again (which I judge a good morning's work), Simon had already constructed most of the platform that will hold up our new decking. Move over Diarmuid Gavin, Simon Cowley is coming through. And you know what? He Did It Himself!

Still, I know what you really want to see. Behold the floor!

Eee, it looks right nice!

2005-06-06T08:01:00.000Z

A combination of pushing, pulling, sanding and sweating have left me with housemaid’s knee, gardener’s back, tennis elbow and what can only be described as teenager’s wrist. However, it has also left me with a beautiful sanded and varnished floor in my living room, so the sweet sense of victory over DIY adversity is numbing the pain. Or it could be the ibuprofen.

Following the wise advice of my DIY Bible (The Handywoman’s Workbook – How to Do It Yourself without Breaking a Nail), I have created the vision of sophisticated domesticity. Well, with Sian and Simon’s assistance, anyway. And Sian broke a nail.

After the sanding was done, Sian and Simon went off for a game of badminton with Tanya, while I took a well deserved hot bath with lots of bubbles and a rather pleasing pinot noir.

Simon has also been industrious this weekend, preparing our garden for its own makeover. I’ve a sneaky feeling that this grand design will eclipse my own achievements so I’ll enjoy this moment of glory while I can.

Vive la Revolution!

2005-06-03T17:07:00.000Z

Take back all your preconceptions about northern life and the barren cultural wasteland of semi-rural Yorkshire. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am proud to announce Slaithwaite’s first café with an espresso machine!

This wild and extravagant move into café culture is a joy to behold. Out with the cheddar toastie and in with the feta bagel, I say. On top of this, they also serve home-made ice-dream in a dozen delicious flavours.

Sian and I went in there for lunch today. They were very busy for the whole 45 minutes or so we were there and I was the only man who came in. I suspect there are going to be a lot of obese women with ice-cream stains on their clothes in this village by the end of this summer.

As if prompted by the revolution, I have started putting my music on the PC so I can listen to a selection when I work from home. I started off being amazed at how I found myself listening to lots of music I hadn’t heard in ages. Then realisation dawned that all my favourite CDs were in my machine downstairs (which takes 50) and crammed in the door pockets, glove box and footwells of my car. Still, it’s nice to hear some average music played on speakers that are the size of matchboxes and have similar acoustic properties, isn’t it?

Long Weekends - gotta luv 'em

2005-06-01T00:56:00.000Z

OK, I’m still hanging on to write about the bits I’ve missed until Jessops hand over my photos so I can ~~pad out~~ illustrate my text.

However, I thought I’d fill you in the last few days so I’m back up to date. Then we can nip back to fill in the gaps, rather like watching Momento, but without the gruesome murder or the feeling that Kylie Minogue will appear dressed in overalls, asking what Bouncer is doing in her garden.

Just me? ok, I’ll get on with it.

I was down in Southend for a meeting last week. It’s quite nice to be trusted with much more client contact and project management in my current job. It is especially nice when the meeting’s are held close to friends or family and I can combine the trips with a round of golf with my Dad and spending a couple of hours on the beach with an old school friend and her kids.

Lesson for Life No. 86 – When eating an ice cream, you might find it easier to start at the top.

The bank holiday weekend was a welcome respite from all our recent trips away. I’ve just checked my diary and I hadn’t had a full weekend at home since the 2nd and 3rd of April, and I’ve only had four weekends not doing anything all year! I need a sit down. And possibly a nice cup of tea. We did enjoy a visit from the lovely Tracy this weekend. Unfortunately, she’s recently split up her boyfriend so we did what all decent people would do and plied her with alcohol, pudding, chocolate and hugs.

The only other thing of note is the continued attendance at Ceroc. We made it for another session last night and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves picking up some funky moves for the next wedding. Speaking of which, we’re a little short of weddings in the diary, so if any of you could sort yourselves out and get hitched so we can show off our new moves, I’d be grateful, thanks.

Doris Cowley 1917-2005

2005-05-25T08:37:00.000Z

At the end of April we had a call from Sian’s mum, saying that her Nan had gone back into hospital for some routine treatment. A day or two later she called again to say that things weren’t looking good, and Sian rushed down to Cardiff the next day to be with her Nan.

To my shame, I wasn’t sure whether I should go. I didn’t really know whether the family would want me around at the hospital at such a personal time. Fortunately, someone pointed out how stupid this was and I followed Sian down the next day.

We spent the weekend at the hospital in Cardiff, with the whole family constantly by Nan’s bedside. I think it was the most painful and moving experience of my life. It was so desperately sad to watch this wonderful woman slip away, but the dignity of the family and their love for Nan and each other was beyond anything I’ve ever seen. To be included in that, and welcomed as part of the family, is something I’ll treasure. The thing that will stick in my mind, however, is being with Gramp, Arthur, while he sat holding his wife’s hand. To see them look at each other, still seeing their childhood sweetheart, saying goodbye with their eyes as full of love for each other as they were on their wedding day would melt the hardest heart. Sadly, my heart is not that hard and I wept.

The funeral was held on 13 May, with a service at Grangetown Baptist Church. We sat with Arthur in the front row of the very building where he and Doris first met and fell in love, 73 years ago.

Gramp took us upstairs to show us the seats where he and Nan used to sit, facing each other. He made Sian and I take their places and had Sian act out the wink which he claims greeted his return after years away during World War II.

If anyone wanted a lesson in what a marriage should be, take it from Arthur and Doris. If you can picture that look you shared with your partner at your wedding, and you can share that look every day for the rest of your lives, I think the rest will probably work out.

Where has all the blogging gone? Long time posting.

2005-05-25T08:32:00.000Z

I suppose this should really start with an apology for the singular lack of posting over the last, erm, gosh that is quite a long time, isn’t it?

Ah well, not to worry. I’ll try to do some catching up over the next few days to explain my blogging silence. It’s been a bit of mixed bag, as you’ll see as I get around to writing about it and finding some pictures to brighten things up a little.

Led Zep II

2005-05-11T20:47:00.000Z

In order to qualify for Amazon's free postage, I was forced into buying a CD the other day. I plumped for Led Zep II. Having spent some time listening to this audio delight, I would like to make two observations:

1) Led Zepellin really were the greatest rock band ever; and
2) Even if you're the greatest rock band ever, there's no excuse for a three minute drum solo. Do you hear me up there on your rock-god cloud, Jon Bonham?

health advice

2005-04-29T14:13:00.000Z

The book club people left a copy of "You are what you eat" next to the vending machine.

Today, it appears, I am a Snickers.

So I looked it up.

Snicker
Part of Speech - intransitive verb
Pronunciation - snI kEr
Inflected Forms - snickered, snickering, snickers
Definition 1. to laugh in a sly, suppressed way

So, to my surprise, they were right.

What are you today?

As the sun sets in southern Britain, those in the North are just waking up

2005-04-21T10:01:00.000Z

Without knowing it, I appear to have moved to Little Britain.

On Tuesday I had to do a site survey at a local pub (a tough job, but someone’s got to do it), and the council’s social services had brought some disabled people out for lunch. As I walked in I met the female versions of Andy and Lou, and I had to bite back my laughter as the lady was wheeled in and announced, “I don’t like it!”

And I’ve just put the phone down after speaking to a very helpful Scot, who answered my every questions with, “Ayyyy. Yeeeesssss!”

It’s the simple things in life that make the difference, don’t you think?

The problem with work

2005-04-20T09:19:00.000Z

All this being busy with work is all well and good, but it is interfering with my fencing a little. I’ve managed to get to the club in Huddersfield to do some coaching once a week, but I haven’t been training at Stockport quite a while now. I haven’t even managed to do much practice at home, which would have helped considerably.

I did make it to a coach training day on Sunday, which was very good. I’m hoping to take a coaching exam later in the year, so I really need to work on some elements of it. It’s going to be quite strange going for that kind of practical exam. It feels quite different to the written exams that I seem to have spent so much of life taking. It gives me some idea how nerve wracking Sian’s driving instructor exams must have been. And mine don’t even count for anything apart from my own satisfaction!

Back to Academia

2005-04-14T09:05:00.000Z

As I mentioned last time, life is suddenly feeling busy again. I'm writing this in Leeds University chemistry department library waiting for the first conference session to start. I'm sitting next to a Brit and an American. They're deep in heated debate or, more precisely, in heated transatlantic liberal agreement, about Bush, climate change and Kyoto. For all their intelligence and scientific knowledge, I've not heard a single comment that advances the debate or proposes a novel solution. It's really nothing more than the climate scientists' equivalent of chatting over the garden fence about how dreadful the weather has been.

I suppose I've been out of academia for over two years now. It's surprising how strange it feels to be back in an environment, amongst all these academics, that feels so familiar and yet so alien. All these people with the luxury of time to talk and listen! It's a world away from my usual life of clients and deadlines. That might sound like a wish to come back to research. In fact, I think it has made me realise how impossible that would be.

I've just walked into the lecture theatre and remembered the last time I was here: 11 September 2001. Once again, I'm tempted to dip my toe into philosophical waters. Fortunately for us all, academia comes to the rescue.

There are some outstanding beards in the room.

Update - end of day 2 in the Faraday Discussion.
Aren't academic meetings wonderful? It's been too long since I saw someone drawing cis and trans isomers on a napkin at dinner. Never mind the chair and boat forms of cyclohexane. And boy do they know how to laugh! In one session today, an eminent professor said, 'well I'd say to make nitrous oxide, you've got to have some nitrogen!' Dear me, that had them rolling in the aisles.

No?

Hmm, I guess you had to be there.

Another observation about the conference dinner – I didn’t hear any political talk at all. We are three weeks away from a general election, and nobody mentioned it. I’d be willing to wager a few crisp notes that, if that meeting had been held three weeks before the American presidential election, people would have been talking about nothing else. Is this to do with apathy, or a belief that the Americans’ choice of President has a bigger impact on our lives than our own choice of Prime Minister?

North of the Border

2005-04-14T08:58:00.000Z

I'll stick a photo on this post when I get them off work’s digital camera. I took some while I was on my site visit to show how lovely the weather was.

[edit - here's the photo. Isn't it nice?]

It was a good plan to combine the trip with a little holiday, and Sian found us a cosy little B&B. I'm afraid I can't comment on traditional Scottish hospitality as it was run by a couple from Bradford. They had recently bought the place and really made us feel welcome, which was no mean feat after we made them wait up until after midnight for us to arrive. Despite our tardiness, I was still presented with a delightful fry up in the morning - two thick rashers of bacon, fat juicy sausage, egg, mushrooms, tomato and hash brown. It might seem harsh, but I'm only going to mark it down for being slightly too perfect and, as a result, somewhat soulless. Still, it set me up nicely for the day. 8/10.

After I got my work done we had a lovely time, wandering around bookshops and eating cake. In contrast to our late journey up, driving back on Sunday was a pleasure. We stayed off the motorway and came down through the Lake District, stopping off at Hannah’s house for a nice cup of tea and a sit down.

Warning - no jokes in this post

2005-04-08T13:33:00.000Z

What a coincidence. Just like Elspeth, my work has been very quiet recently and it’s all just kicked off again, with two major port developments to work on. I’m also going to be released from the office to see sunlight for a few days too. I’m visiting a site in Scotland tomorrow, and combining it with a couple of nights away with Sian to compensate her for me having to work at the weekend.

I’m also going to a Royal Society for Chemistry Faraday Discussion in Leeds for a few days next week. I’m quite looking forward to that as I don’t often get to think about the science of what I’m doing very much. It should also restart my thinking about professional development. I’ve recently registered for the Chartered Chemist CPD programme and I think it will help to push me a little, and make sure I don’t end up on a little consultancy treadmill. It would be too easy to focus on the daily routine of project work, and not really think about where my career is going.

I do apologise for the lack of jokes today. I'll try to do better next time.

Spring is in the Air!

2005-04-07T08:30:00.000Z

Soft blossoms on the cherry tree, birds singing sweetly in the tree, snow falling from the sky.

Yes, you heard me. It's snowing.

Now, last time I checked ... let me just look again ... yes, it is still April. I haven't overslept by seven months. It's April, and I drove to work through a blizzard.

This picture was taken in Huddersfield this morning, while I was still amused at the snow, before I drove through the foggy blizzard on the M62 with a BMW trying to climb into my boot.

George and the Bees

2005-04-05T17:57:00.000Z

I recently had the pleasure to be introduced to a wonderful part of the Yorkshire landscape. His name was George and he keeps bees.

This man is as Yorkshire as cricket and cutlery.

Simon, Sian’s brother, was here for the weekend and we all went over to Sheila’s house for tea. While there, Simon and I offered to help her move her bees to a more secluded spot on the allotment. As we went out, Sheila’s bee mentor, George, arrived. Resplendent in tweed, he announced to us, “I’d be nowt wi’out mi bees.”

He was the embodiment of Yorkshire grit and common sense. Sheila fussed, “Oh, there are still some going in and out!” George rolled his eyes, “Well, they will be. It’s mild.” Sheila worried, “Should we come back later?” George rolled his eyes, “No, no, no. Get on wi’it.”

You can’t really argue with that. Not without looking like a namby-pamby-softy-southerner, anyway.

and now ... the gallery

2005-04-05T14:20:00.000Z

Sian has been telling me for years that anyone can draw. Each time, I have patiently explained that she actually meant to say “anyone can draw badly” or “anyone apart, apart from you, can draw.” Last week I gave in and let her give me an art lesson.

Well, I don’t usually admit to being wrong, but do you know what? I think she might have been right.

I’m not saying that I’ve obtained an overnight mastery of all things arty, and I don’t suppose I’ll be giving up the day job anytime soon. However, I am really enjoying it and almost orgasmically pleased with what I’ve managed to do.

It’s also made me realise what a fantastic gift it is to teach a person something new. I’d muse on that further, but that would be far to philosophical for this blog, so I’ll smoothly move back to talking about me.

I thought I’d show you something I did over the weekend, under Sian’s watchful eye. I know it’s not quite good enough for Tony Hart's Gallery, but considering I couldn’t hold a pencil last week I think it’s ok.

Am I pleased? Is the Pope a Catholic?

[It has just been pointed out to me that I must be, therefore, be "dead pleased." I was shocked and offended. I'm the one that does the tasteless jokes on this blog! Me, do you hear!?]

Marvels of Blogger

2005-04-01T10:19:00.000Z

I just clicked on a blogger profile and was intrigued by the description.

Interests: drink, chat, football, techno, the missus, porn, chemicals, Simon Hoggart.

I was less surprised to see that they were from Brighton.

Invasion of the Sith

2005-04-01T10:12:00.000Z

A fat man has moved into one of the offices down the hall. His fatness is such that he constantly perspires, even in the cold northern winter, and wheezes like a dieing man. Standing in the corridor when he is approaching is like the opening of Star Wars, where his arrival is presaged by the terrifying, rattling breath. Similarly, everyone else presses themselves against the wall to allow his passage, forced back by some malevolent force. In this case: halitosis.

I thought I’d experienced the worst of this when I walked into the gents whilst he was regal upon his porcelain throne. His desperate gasping, panting for air conjured images that have haunted my dreams ever since.

Little did I guess what horrors awaited me today. I opened the office door, turned to my left, and was confronted by the sight off this reeking, red-faced man in top-to-toe lycra.

I applaud his effort to stave off heart-failure, I really do.

But my eyes! Someone please make the burning stop!

Non-Food News

2005-03-29T17:00:00.000Z

Well, how to describe my weekend discussing only people, places and actions? OK, here goes.

The long weekend provided an excellent opportunity to make the trek down to see my parents in darkest Essex. It’s at least a 4 ½ hour trip these days, so we don’t go very often. In fact, I’m not sure we’ve been at all since we moved house about 6 months ago. In any case, we went this weekend, travelling down on the Saturday.

Sadly, my parents, with their retired lifestyle, had a previous engagement and were out dancing. Luckily, we managed to entertain ourselves with watching Dr Who and Apocalypse Now. I’m not sure which I found more disturbing.

Before racing back to see Dr Who we went to meet up with someone that I’ve been chatting to on-line. I’ve never even thought of trying to meet an on-line person “irl” before but, as she had the recent misfortune of moving to Southend, I thought it would be nice. And it was. We spend most of our on-line chat time talking about music, so there was a danger that Sian would implode with boredom. Luckily, however, we found other things to talk about too, so disaster was averted.

My brother and his hoard of children invaded on Sunday, giving me my first glimpse of child No. 4, little Rebekah (see figure 1). She was very cute and almost entirely mute for the duration of their visit. In fact, she was almost constantly unconscious, which made her a very pleasant baby indeed. The other little ~~sods~~ cherubs were much more active, demanding constant Lego/football/puzzle assistance.

I hated it.

Honestly! I did.

Figure 1 - Aw! Cute!

Well, anyway, we drove back on Sunday night so that Sian had plenty of time to get ready for work on Monday. She’s getting rather busy now and her plans of world domination, or least teaching lots of people to drive, will come to fruition. It’s been tough for her starting the business up all over again and it’s really pleasing to see her getting the reward for all her hard work.

Well done Sian!

Food Obsession?

2005-03-29T07:40:00.000Z

I’ve been told I’ve got to try to manage three posts on my blog without talking about food. It sounds easy enough, but my first thoughts on sitting down to write this morning were “doughnuts”, “roast dinner” and “nutty butters”, so I’ll give you the summary of these here and tell you about the rest of the weekend in a separate post.

item: doughnuts
consumed: on Southend seafront, fresh from the fresh doughnut making machine.
comment: these rings of sugary delight might be the only redeeming features of that strip of slot machines and chavs (or wide boys in the local parlance).

item: roast dinner
consumed: at my parents’ house
comment: excellent roast potatoes, as ever. Top marks Mum!

item: nutty butters
consumed: at my parents’ house
comment: this is, for some unknown reason, the name my family gives to those little chocolate-covered cornflake cakes. In this case, they were easterised by the presence of mini-eggs. I ate too many and felt a bit ill on the way home. Rumours that the problem was exacerbated by the ingestion of apple pie and chocolate cake are as unfounded as those regarding potential Tory cuts to public spending.

Fat Balls

2005-03-23T18:35:00.000Z

Sian sent me to the garden centre after work to get her some posts and slug repellent. Unfortunately, they also sold bird food in bulk.

My birds will be eating like kings!

Roadkill Poem

2005-03-22T14:54:00.000Z

two halogen headlamps
the last things it saw
it twitches defiantly
like the black knight
who demanded a draw

Tempus Fugit

2005-03-21T19:30:00.000Z

Well, that week went quick. I’m not even sure I’ve got much to report, it went by so quick. There was a lot of fencing again, but not too much of note. One thing that occurs to me is that I need to be a little careful to make sure I don’t end up coaching at Stockport. I really want those nights to stay as my “training” nights, and keep coaching to the night in Huddersfield, but it’s easy to get sucked into helping people. Especially when I know the coaches would like me to coach there too. Even so, I must resist and keep my selfish training time. Otherwise I’ll never make the top 100 and that would be a shame. I’d feel ok if I never made it because of lack of talent, but I’d be disappointed if it was just because I didn’t give myself the best shot at it.

Aside from the usual, I agreed to go to an Easter meal at Sian’s church. The meal part was very pleasant and the people were lovely. I didn’t, however, enjoy the religious part too much. As I’m sure you know, I’m not a big fan of religion anyway, and I’m really not keen on Easter, particularly when it involves readings with graphic description of the process of crucifixion to an audience that includes children. It seems thoroughly unnecessary and of no real value to anyone. The pudding was nice though.

I know this blog has mainly been about food recently, and I promise I’ll talk about something else eventually, but…

The people we bought our house off only moved a few miles away, and we went there for dinner a while back. On Saturday we returned the favour and they came round to ours for dinner and wine and a jolly nice evening was had by all. At least, I hope it was.

It’s been great to get to know people in the area so quickly. I think the northern friendliness helps. We got to know one neighbour in Brighton, but never did more than chat over the fence. Here, it’s been very easy to make friends and find some sort of social life. If I can just realise my ambition of making the fencing club in Huddersfield a bit more active in competitive and social terms, I’ll be a happy man. One thing at a time, I suppose.

Birthday Weekend

2005-03-13T18:30:00.000Z

What a nice weekend.

We've had a full house again, as Mike, Helene, Jon, Richard, Vanessa, Angharad and Tracy all braved the grimness of the North to visit us. Well, Tracy was only coming from York, but everyone else came a long way. Fortunately, some people stayed in a nearby hotel, so we weren't reduced to sleeping some people in the cellar or garden.

On Saturday, we walked over to Marsden for lunch, following the Colne Valley trail. It was just a little boggy underfoot, which was unfortunate as some people didn't have boots. As Richard pointed out, Gortex trainers are only waterproof while the level of the water is below his ankle. Luckily, they dried off quite quickly. We took in the sights along the way, including some abandoned cottages that would make lovely renovation projects, if only they had an access road. At present, they seem to be in use by local yoofs for a convenient place to enjoy the pleasures of strong liquor and other debauchery. I won't expand on the acts described in the graffiti too much. They're obviously enjoying themselves, however. "It was Gud" apparently.

Lunch in Marsden (Cobbles cafe I think [it was "cobwebs" apparently]) was very nice, and I think the softy southerners were impressed that panini don't cost more than a fiver in Yorkshire. There look to be a number of nice cafes in Marsden, so I suspect we might be having a few more lunches there.

In what appears to standard practice now, we walked back through Slaithwaite to Hailey's wonderful chocolate shop so Jon could have cake. I didn't want him to feel greedy, so I had a piece too. Oh, and so did Richard.

It might sound like we ate a lot this weekend, but we did do quite a lot of walking too, so it's not as bad as it seems.

Anyway, we came back to our house for curry, then went to the Sair for some quality beer and Angharad entertaining us on the piano. Finally, back to the house again for some carrot cake.

Best conversation of the weekend:
Chris: It's good for you. It's got carrots in.
Angharad: No it hasn't!
Chris: Yes, it has. I grated them myself.
Angharad: No! That's like saying cheese cake has got cheese in it!

Sunday involved some car starting issues, including the daughter of the old lady next door refusing to move her car so we could roll Tracy's down the hill to start it. I'm not sure why, I suspect she was either having a bad day or she is just a Stupid, Rude Cow. I suspect the latter. Anyway, once we'd started Tracy's car, and got the jump leads out to start mine, we went for a very nice carvery lunch at the Traveller's Rest in Meltham. I've not been there before, but the food was excellent and the service very friendly indeed. Top marks.

Thanks to all who came to visit, I've had a very nice birthday.

Another musing on whether I'm getting old. If people buy you cards with jokes about getting old, then you're getting old. I appear to be about 50% old this year. Not too bad, I think.

Avast Ye Scurvy Land Lubbers!

2005-03-11T18:57:00.000Z

No, I haven't completely lost my marbles. We had a Comic Relief charity pirate night at fencing. All the kids, and some of the adults, came as viscous looking pirates, and we played some games. The highlight, for me at least and I suspect the kids too, was taping balloons to each other, then fencing to try to pop them. I think the squeals from the kids were of delight, rather than from being stuck like pigs.

I was very grateful to the other adults and coaches in particular for humoring us in our fencing fun fund raising. People gave generously, so I today I has the pleasure of dumping a huge wad of cash in a Red Nose charity bucket on behalf of the club.

I think I'll try to repeat these fun nights at fencing as the kids are full of enthusiasm now. Hopefully I can take advantage of this to work them into the ground next week, which will give me far more pleasure than a bag of balloons.

Birthday Today

2005-03-08T16:23:00.000Z

Another year nearer death, with the icy hand of the Grim Reaper clutching at my coat tails.

I pondered to James earlier whether, once again, I could convince myself that this year I'm actualy at my physical peak. I've been saying this to myself for ten years now, and I get the feeling that next year all shreds of doubt will be torn away and I'll be forced to accept the negative gradient that I shall slide down to my grave.

On the bright side, it's easier going downhill, isn't it?

Fencing and more Fencing

2005-03-07T19:16:00.000Z

What a busy time I’m having. Most of the business has involved fencing, however, so you’re going to get another sword-focussed, self-centred post.

On Thursday night I ran my first épée class at Huddersfield. It was great fun teaching épée instead of foil to the juniors. They picked it up very quickly and were quite happily making hits to the arm straight away. This is the first step in my evil plan to convert them all to the dark side and train them mercilessly into unstoppable fighting machines to go out to competitions and kick some ass.

On an unrelated note, Sian has started fretting that, in the event of our marriage bearing fruit at some point, I might be a “pushy parent”. I don’t understand this at all.

No fencing Friday or Saturday, so we’ll skip that.

Oh, actually, we did have a nice couple from Sian’s church over for dinner on Saturday. Considering the lady is an excellent cook (we’ve been to their house for tea), I wasn’t too stressed about the cooking and it all turned out quite nicely. Not something that could be said of the bland little biscuits I made in the afternoon, but the less said about those the better.

On an unrelated note, would anyone like a small paperweight?

I went to the Nottingham Open on Sunday. I’ve not been before and it was an excellently run competition. I finished with the result I aimed for (good Last 64), but was a bit disappointed with the way I went out. I was, however, furious after I saw my victor make it all the way to the semi-finals, when I should have beaten him! Gah! That should have been me! I now can’t decide whether I did well to nearly beat a semi-finalist, or threw away a glorious opportunity. A bit of both, I suspect. Either way, I’ll be back training hard tonight.

I will get a Last 32 finish in a decent Open if it kills me. I know I’m getting better, because last year I would never have been in such a strong position. I was seeded 20th out of 80 odd after the poules this time. So, now I’ve learnt how to win fights in the poules, I need to learn to win the elimination bouts.

Still, it means more ranking points, so I’ll be up again next month. 364th and climbing!

Disappointing Day

2005-03-01T10:00:00.000Z

Any day that starts before 5am is never going to go well.

It took me nearly 4 hours to drive to Peterborough through the roadworks on the A1, so I arrived tired and slightly grumpy. To be fair, the day went ok, the course I was on went ok and the drive home went ok.

Actually I think the only things that spoiled it were the getting up early and the news that the demonstration sports had been cancelled on Wednesday so I don't get to meet famous people after all.

Oh, that and getting caught in a blizzard on the way home from fencing, so I spent over eight hours in the car yesterday.

Hopefully today will be better. I've got less time in the car, anyway. I tried to drive in this morning, but the motorway was at a standstill and the small roads were closed because of the snow. As I've got a hospital appointment in Huddersfield this afternoon I decided to turn round and work at home instead.

S'pose I'd best do some then.

John Hegley

2005-02-26T11:10:00.000Z

OK, so I’ve mostly been writing about things that have been going on, rather than things I’ve been doing, so here’s a bit of the latter.

On Thursday night we braved the ice and snow to go into Leeds to see John Hegley. We decided to drive as far as Huddersfield and get the train from there, just in case the roads were bad. As it turned out, the worst ice was on our own road and conditions steadily improved from there. It took ages to get the car out of the back road (see picture below!) as I slid and slipped around in the icy slush, but we escaped in the end. The snow also meant that the chap I work with and his wife couldn’t make it from Manchester, so we invited Hannah instead.

The show was excellent, very funny and poignant. I don’t think I’ve been to see someone read poetry before, but I’d definitely go again as I really enjoyed it. His poems, usually about family, dogs, glasses or Luton, frequently ended in a peculiar noise from the audience, which started as a laugh and turned into an “awww!” half way through. As Sian said, “You just want to go and give him a hug.”

In case you don’t know him, here’s a flavour of the sort of thing he writes:

This was my father
I knew him
like I knew the front of his hand.
I didn’t understand his need to wallop me so much,
except that it kept us in touch.
Apart from the skin and bone
I never knew
what he was made of
or afraid of,
in spite of all our time together
he was one of the strangers he warned me about
but without the sweets.

Conservative Radio 4 Listeners

2005-02-26T09:57:00.000Z

Saturday mornings generally provide an outlet for the inane and frequently bigoted comments of conservative middle-England BBC Radio 4 listeners*. There's the letters section of the Today Programme, which generally supplies the bigotry, and Home Truths, which consistently supplies the inanity.

This morning, however, I was refreshed to hear the following comments:

"dip me in chocolate and throw me to the Devil" (Today)
"somnolent post-coital haze" (Home Truths)

How refreshing.

At the risk of being serious for a moment, I’d be interested to hear your opinions on the first comment. The full line went “as a homosexual, all I can say to those so-called Christians who condemn us is dip me in chocolate and throw me to the Devil; the idea of an eternity without Christian bigotry sounds like Heaven to me.”

* Why are they referred to as “middle-England” when they are all in the Home Counties? I’m sure there’s a hobbit joke in there somewhere. Any takers?

Some Snowy Scenes

2005-02-25T09:11:00.000Z

It's all been a bit snowy, resulting in me being stuck at home yesterday. It's nice to be able to take a break from work to throw snowballs at your wife.

I don't think she was impressed, however, so I've been sent back to work today. It's still pretty snowy on the tops, which made the drive in "interesting", but it's starting to go now.

Being the old-fashioned type, I've taken some print pictures so you'll see those when I get them developed. That'll be nice in June, won't it? For now, here's some tiny phone camera shots.

View from the front of the house:

and the back:

I note there has been some debate on the merits of snow as experienced directly, or viewed over the top of ANCOT. I would like to up the ante with my suggestion of running around in it, then viewing it through the steamed up window of a cafe will sipping a hot chocolate and eating carrot cake. Or even "carrott cake" as the cafe calls it.

Yeah, I worked hard yesterday.

Stats for James - bugger all in town; 2-3 inches at my house; a bit more on the top of the hills, but mainly because it's in drifts.

Exciting News!

2005-02-23T09:23:00.000Z

Well, I’m all excited today. Last night I agreed to go and help the current GB number one fencer with a demonstration for his new sponsors, B&Q. You might have noticed that B&Q have had some great sport publicity recently with their sponsorship of Ellen MacArthur, but they’re also working with the British Olympic Association to develop athletes for the 2008 Olympic Games.

In agreeing I was thinking, just a little, of going to have dinner with a room full of elite athletes, but it is just dawning on me that I am also going to have to fence in front of the likes of Ellen MacArther and Kelly Holmes. I know they’ve probably never even seen fencing before, but it’s still going to be nerve-wracking.

Well, it’s too late to back out anyway. I’ve agreed to do it and booked the time of work. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Team B&Q

The world has gone mad

2005-02-22T13:02:00.000Z

This morning I received a very nice email from a colleague in the Netherlands. He sent this nice email to every single employee in the UK.

This clever man had the bright idea that he could use the international nature of the company to help his daughter work as an au pair this summer. Nice idea.

He included in this email

the name of his nice daughter;

her nice school;

her nice age (14);

a nice photo of his nice pretty blonde daughter; and to really top it off

her #*%$ing telephone number!

What on Earth was this man thinking? Hes just sent all of this to 500 completely unknown people, mostly men. Then, just in case he hadnt found a potential abuser or murderer yet, asked us to forward it to anyone that might be interested.

Does this not make you want to politely enquire:

“WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, YOU IDIOT?”

Excuse me, I have to go and weep now.

The Power of Words

2005-02-21T15:00:00.000Z

Some people have a natural talent for manipulating the English language to serve them. For some, this comes through years of hard work. Some come into the world with the innate ability to twist and warp words at a whim. I call these people "women".

Our secretary is such a woman. She makes manipulation an art form. She is Mozart. She is Van Gogh. She is Pele.

Today I asked her, as a matter or urgency, to print and bind some reports and send them out. The reply?

To: Chris@work
From: Evil Twister of Truth
i've sent the figures down to the colour printer and shoud (sic) everything go okay (i.e. it doesn't break down) then they should get bound and out tomorrow evening

Now, at first glance this seems innocent enough. However, I requested these reports at lunchtime. I specifically noted the urgency of the request. So, all sweetness and light, she says they’ll be done tomorrow. I am convinced she is taunting me. Daring me to object. She brazenly declares it will take 30 hours for my reports to be sent, while making me seem unreasonable if I ask if it is humanly possible for it to happen any quicker.

Bitch.

I hate it, but you have to admire her.

On driving in the Pennines

2005-02-19T08:28:00.000Z

Some important advice for the driver:

1) fog is white;
2) sheep are white.

The two are, however, distinguishable by their viscosity.

Getting up to date

2005-02-16T19:27:00.000Z

Dear me, I’m getting as bad at posting blogs as Ian. Well, not to worry, I’m here now.

Shall we go back to the weekend?

Well, Saturday started a bit slowly. Sian’s work was cancelled but we (read “I”) pfaffed for a while, getting all my fencing stuff together. Finally we set off to Hannah’s, on a Musical Mission.
Now, as I’m sure you all know, I’m not exactly the world’s biggest musical fan, but, ever willing to do my duty, we had tickets for the opening night of “My Fair Lady” staring Hannah P. I want to reiterate how much I dislike musicals before I say, I actually quite enjoyed it. This might have had something to do with the fact that it has less music in it than most musicals, but credit where credit’s due, it was quite good.

I think Hannah will be disappointed if I don’t make mention of two notable “knicker incidents.” Interestingly, the knickers in question were right at opposite end of the size range. The first pair, the smaller of the two, was flashed by one of the younger members of the cast during a particularly vigorous dance routine. This was an unexpected bonus. The second pair were far less dainty and belonged to a member of the audience. I’m not kidding when I say these were the biggest pants I’ve ever seen. Absolutely enormous. In the words of a child we met walking once, they were “bigger than you can reach!”

And that’s pretty big.

I would supply more details, but I don’t think you’d want to know.

On Sunday I was fencing at the Merseyside Open. Typically, I got there far too early because I didn’t want to be late. I’m tempted to give you a blow by blow account of the whole day, but somehow I doubt it would be fascinating. To keep in brief, I fenced really well at times, winning 5/5 in my second poule. I was really pleased with that and I think it was the best I’ve fencing in competition. It also meant I got a bye through the next round. Sadly, my fencing in the round after that wasn’t up to much so I still got a fairly early shower. Ah well. I’m definitely improving. It was my best finish in an open (34th out of 87 I think) and it gets me back on the UK rankings next month. It’s the Nottingham Open next, so I’m hoping to build on the progress I’ve made and get a solid result there.

Sadly, no loot this time.

Amusing post

2005-02-11T10:50:00.000Z

Some girl called Alyssa posted these "Man of the Year Award" pictures. I surfed, I laughed, I blogged.

music news

2005-02-06T10:30:00.000Z

As I'm sure you're all fascinated by what I happen to be listening to, I'll let you into my ears again.

I said that I'd been enjoying some 90's delights this week, and on Thursday and Friday I treated myself to a Suede double-bill. Obviously, it was their first two albums - the only ones to feature the fantastically creative partnership of Brett Anderson and Bernard Butler. The first was the uninspiringly titles "Suede" and the second was the bizarrely titled "Dog Man Star". Both records are an absolute joy, with Anderson's androgynous sexual lyrics entwining seductively around Butler's soaring guitar.

Sadly, their drug-fuelled creative partnership, like a teenager in a brothel, couldn't last long. They went their separate ways and I don't think either has produced anything so magical since.

However... Anderson and Butler are now back together, in a new band "The Tears". Reviews of their first gigs have been positive and their first album is due out later this year. I'm positively salivating at the thought.

Speaking of sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll, I made my contribution to this weekend's charity of choice (the "Pete Dohety legal fund") by buying the second Libertines album. Sadly the Libertines' creative partnership has also ended too soon, split by drugs and, for today at least, the bars of Pentonville Prison. Don't worry Pete, I'm sure your beautiful-but-waif-like girlfriend Kate Moss will be able to slip between the bars to visit you.

A busy week

2005-02-06T09:21:00.000Z

Although those who have been emailing me about various holidays might not believe it, work has been a bit hectic this week. My first major project for my new company was due and, as always, something happened at the last minute that required me to redo the assessment I'd been working on for five months in two days. Sadly, the reworking was due to a breakdown in communication between different parts of the team, as nobody told me when design decisions changed.

Ah well, I shall learn to expect these things one day.

In any event, it was all done by Thursday lunchtime, even if I did have to get up at some ludicrous hour to achieve it. Even though the extra work was not my fault, there was no way I was going to be the one who missed the deadline.

I'll try to take something positive from it all, and work hard to be an organised project manager myself. I really don't want to be the person that everyone is swearing about for ineffective communication and poor organisation.

Friday was a bit more relaxing as I got back to working on my own, smaller projects. It's easier to be organised when you're doing it all yourself. JD and I also went out for a pub lunch as part of our new, less stressful, working regime. There are times when you just have to get the job done, but we're going to make a real effort not to let work take over our lives all the time. I'll let you know if we manage it!

The previously-maligned game of badminton with people from Sian's church occurred on Saturday. I would like to make a small apology for my mocking tone before because we had an excellent game with a very friendly group of people. After the game we all went back for supper and chit-chat, which finished just in time to have a swift pint at the Sair on our way home.

Finally, just to give you an insight into the Taylor home, Sian is now getting ready to go to church while I write this. Once she's gone I'll have a quick shower and wander down to Slaithwaite for a fat boy's breakfast. Sian will finish at church and meet me for a coffee and we'll sit and read the paper. We have to do this as her church does not supply ANCOTAASD at the end.

And they wonder why church congregations are shrinking?

Life in a Northern Town

2005-02-03T13:56:00.000Z

When people talk about the grim north, I suspect they’re referring to Rochdale. Sadly, this is where my office is located so I see this grim old town every day.

To give you a feel for the place, each grey day I walk to the grey shops along a grey road, past a grey housing estate. Of course, it’s not all grey. Behind the grey windows gleam bright, white, steel bars. Quite what objects of value the thieves expect to take from these poverty-stricken families is beyond me. I can only presume they’re after the porcelain Franklin Mint kitsch that the Rochdale Folk lay, not with a hint of an ironic smirk, but with a sense of unashamed pride, on their windowsills.

Behind the grey windows and white bars lurk the grey, undereducated, unemployed and unemployable people of Rochdale. I also see these people in the shops, and it’s not a pretty site. It’s a mystery to me how so many people get mugged in Rochdale. How can anyone be surprised by someone whose 90-a-day asthmatic wheeze can be heard half a mile away? The smoking, apart from leaving them ashen-faced and struggling to draw breath, also means that anyone over 30 looks like they should be picking up their state pension instead of incapacity benefit. And let me tell you, the crazy-paving wrinkles and yellow teeth do nothing enhance their general state of repulsiveness brought about by a fastidious programme of inbreeding.

In nearly half a year, I have yet to see an attractive person in Rochdale, and I’d have to think hard to remember seeing someone smile.

At about 3 o’clock, the some teenagers walk past our window on their way home from school.

With their children.

here comes a girl with long brown hair who can't be more than seventeen
she sucks on a red popsicle while she pushes a baby girl in a pink carriage
and I'm thinking that must be her sister that must be her sister, right?

At half past, the teenagers who aren’t single mothers walk past, hurling racist abuse at each other.

I feel so sorry for these people.

Life in a northern town.
All the work shut down.

Other news

2005-02-02T20:28:00.000Z

Two things happened at the weekend, as different in their importance as the Beatles and Rick Astley.

Firstly, I had a fight with a sofa bed. I won in the end, wrestling it down and trapping it in the cellar. Sadly, I sustained a wound on the way and now, several days later, I appear to be wearing eyeshadow of an unpleasant yellow hue.

Secondly, my neice was born. Welcome to the world, Rebekah Louise! Sorry about the mess.

My new route to work

2005-02-02T20:19:00.000Z

This week I'll be traveling straight down memory lane to 90's Indy Britpop. I would have kept it to myself, but someone had never heard of today's choice so you're all getting another musical rant.

Today was the turn of Elastica and their eponymous first album. It's full of the sort of spiky, distorted guitar sounds that are once again in favour with the likes of Franz Ferdinand. The album kicks off with the funky "Line Up", quickly followed by the pulsating "Annie", "Connection" and "Car Song". There's a bit of a disappointing generic Indy section in the middle, but it finishes strongly as Frischmann finds some melodies to go with the guitar thrashing.

"Vaseline" is the finest 1 minute 20 seconds of rock inspired by a personal lubricant in the world...

Ever!

Well, in my record collection at least.

I hear a lot of different influences in this record. The opening wouldn't have sounded out of place on then-lover Damon Alban's "Country House", while at other times you can hear her previous band, and previous-lover Brett Anderson, Suede.

For me, the really great thing about this band is the voice of Justine Frischmann, which is in deadpan, insistent and downright dirty.

Voice of an Angel? No. Voice of a deliciously feisty rock bitch? Yes.

The lyrics on this album might be more profane than profound, but it bangs out attitude with every beat. It's a monument to filthy fornication.

And I love it.

"Sometimes I just can't function,
My heart's spaghetti Junction,
Every shining bonnet,
Makes me think of my back on it."

There! I finished the whole review without saying "zeitgeist."

oops.

Ivan Noble

2005-01-27T14:14:00.000Z

I’ve just read the final diary entry of Ivan Noble. Ivan is a BBC writer who was diagnosed with a brain tumour in 2002. I don’t know if it’s because this disease has claimed two important people in my own life, but I have found his diary entries both touching and painful in equal measure.

I encourage you to read what he has written and take a look at some old entries. It might just make you rethink the way you look at each day you have.

I am a whore for chocolate hobnobs

2005-01-26T13:21:00.000Z

I would happily sell my body for a packet of chocolate hobnobs.

If they're plain chocolate, I'll throw in my soul for free.

Convection to be banned?

2005-01-24T16:19:00.000Z

I've just read a report that proposed that policies should be developed to
improve atmospheric stability.
Yikes!

Wholesome weekend?

2005-01-24T10:28:00.000Z

I finally got around to going for a run on Saturday. This is the first time Ive braved the cold and the first time I've pulled on the running shoes after leaving the beautiful, but relatively flat, runners' paradise of the South Downs. It was damn cold as I trotted along the canal, but my smug sense of self-satisfaction warmed me through.

I also saw a heron, which was nice.

To make up for this wholesome foolishness I spent the rest of the weekend shopping, or rather mainly drinking coffee, and stuffing my face with a big roast dinner.

The shopping trip, while dominated by the coffee, did also provide me with the opportunity to demonstrate my ability for marital compromise. Thus, we returned home with DVDs of Lady Chatterly’s Lover and Leon. I should write a book.

Of course, I shan’t complain about watching Lady Chatterly as it features frequent full-frontal nudity in the dream-girl-next-door form of Joely Richardson, and what could be more wholesome than that?

Good God!

2005-01-20T16:27:00.000Z

Sian, in her new role as a lady who lunches, has just texted me to say we've been asked to play badminton with the vicar and his wife.

More cock vicar?

I'm getting blown away

2005-01-20T11:00:00.000Z

At the risk of this blog turning into a music review page, I've got to talk about another album: Neil Young's American Stars 'n Bars. I got this album yesterday, having bought it on the strength of one song. I suppose, if you're going to buy an album for one song, make sure that song is over 8 minutes long. The rest of the album is good, but "Like a Hurricane" is out of this world. I'm struggling to find words to express just how good this track is.

First off, the lyrics are outstanding.
I am just a dreamer, but you are just a dream,
You could have been anyone to me.
Before that moment you touched my lips
That perfect feeling when time just slips
Away between us on our foggy trip.
I love that. And all meteorologists should appreciate:

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye

Secondly, the guitar playing is, quite frankly, some of the best I've heard. I've spent the last week listening to Jimmy Page and Jimi Hendrix and, although he's called Neil and not Jim, this track shows he's up there with the best.

Finally, and I'll try to explain this without sounding like I've got a strange guitar fetish, I find listening to this song is like making love(*). Just listen to it, and you'll see. It's a masterful seduction of your ears that starts slowly and wraps you up, then builds and builds and finally reaches a climax of screaming guitar.

It's amazing. If you don't know this song then go and buy it right now. I won't be held responsible for the gaping hole in your life if you don't.

* Except it lasts over 8 minutes and I'm ready to listen to it again straight away. Boom, tsh!

Yorkshire in the Snow

2005-01-19T08:58:00.000Z

View from our back door.

Snow at Outlane

Snow blowing across the Penines

On a roll

2005-01-17T10:21:00.000Z

And again...

"I hate to admit it," writes Chris Taylor, "but I think this tour and the recent batting collapses have shown that England might actually be the team-equivalent of Graeme Hick: Bully-boys who can smack it around the park against poor opposition, but then crumble against a decent side." I think that's a little harsh, Chris. This South African team is pretty decent - a lot better than the side they fielded during the first Test.

Ah, these moments of glory really are the highlight of my week.

Note to self - get out more.

Nevermind

2005-01-15T19:26:00.000Z

Nevermind
Originally uploaded by epeefool.

Oh, and I've also been reliving some teen-angst and moshing about the house, after finally buying Nevermind. I mentioned this to someone, and they responded that Nevermind was good, but Bleach was better. This individual was, however, only 4 in 1991, so I don't think she can really have appreciated the effect that this record had. This was the record that really got noticed in the UK and across the world. This is the record that was the soundtrack to countless screwed-up teenage lives.

Just listen to the passion and gut-wrenching loneliness in this record. Listen to Cobaine pour out his soul and his anger and you can't help feeling like he's singing for every moment of pain, fear and loneliness that you've ever felt. Whether you're lying alone in a dark room, or screaming with along with him in a packed, sweaty club, you'll feel it all pour out.

"I don't care what you think
Unless it is about me"

Saturday shopping

2005-01-15T19:17:00.000Z

Byram Arcade

We had a bit of a lazy day, today. I got up and listened to the cricket, while Sian slept in. When she finally got up, we headed into Huddersfield for a bit of retail and coffee therapy.

We've made it our mission to investigate all the cafes that Huddersfield has to offer. Admittedly, this task is neither challenging, nor arduous.

Today we pressed on with the task, and ticked off the Blue Rooms, in the lovely Byram Arcade. The atmosphere is nice and relaxed, and, at the risk of sounding like a pretentious git, pleasantly Bohemian. We had a very nice lunch, during which I was pleasantly surprised to find a full-page photo of Georgina Harland in her fencing gear in the Guardian. This is just what the sport needs - national coverage of sexy fencing chicks dressed in tight, tight, white. Mmmmmm!

But I digress.

After the Blue Rooms we had a bit of a shop and stroll, before stumbling across the Peaches Cafe. This old building has recently been renovated and is lovely inside with lots of exposed beams and waxed wooden floors. The current owners only took charge in November and they're doing a cracking job. We only had coffee, but we'll certainly be going back for food.

Hmmm

2005-01-13T18:03:00.000Z

meAndHannah
Originally uploaded by epeefool.

Ian has kindly sent me this photo of Hannah and me at my wedding. How nice.

Bonus point if you correctly identify the beard in the background.

Fame and fortune?

2005-01-13T10:57:00.000Z

Huzzah! This morning I got my second email to the Guardian over-by-over cricket commentator printed.

"More Robert Key abuse, not that these harsh attacks on my hero can dampen the brilliance of my mood "If the England team lived in Gotham City, who would they be?" muses Chris Taylor. " Clearly Strauss is Batman, Tresco is the Penguin for his elegant footwork, and Key is clearly the Joker." That, ladies and gentlemen, is worthy of a HONK!"

You're playing catch up...

2005-01-11T11:56:00.000Z

No, it's not time for "Going for Gold" with Henry Kelly, I've just not written anything since before Christmas.

I managed to wangle Christmas Eve off for good behavior, so we went down to Cardiff on Thursday night. I won't bore you with the details of Christmas, but we had a very nice time and saw all of Sian's family and some friends too. Embarrassingly, it's been at least a year since we saw any of those friends. One, admittedly, is living in Spain, making it slightly less convenient to visit, but the other two are near Cardiff so there's really no excuse. Also, they have a lovely little boy who was just taking his first tottering steps in December. This should encourage us to visit them more as I'm always a sucker for cute babies.

We came home on the next Wednesday, via Bristol and Milton Keynes to see more family and more cute kids. My brother, at the current rate, will be able to field a full 11-a-side football team of children by 2012. However, as the latest one might be a girl I think he's going to cut his losses and stop there.

On the Thursday friends started turning up for New Year. It was great to have everyone to our new house. Firstly, because it was just nice to welcome everyone and see the house full of people, and secondly because, just for once in my life, I didn't have to drive a 1000 mile round trip to see my friends.

I don't suppose it's worth me describing more about what happened as almost everyone that ever reads this was there. Needless to say, we did go for a foggy, boggy walk, with hilarious consequences for everyone apart from Elspeth.

Ah well, I'm back at work now. I had some fencing at the weekend at the Yorkshire Epee. I did ok, and found a bit of form, which was really the point of the exercise. No prizes this time thought...

Countdown to Christmas

2004-12-21T15:45:00.000Z

Only a few more shopping days 'till Christmas. Miraculously, I've actually got it all done so I can sit back and feel smug. Not too smug, however, as there is still the logistical nightmare of holiday visiting to suffer.

I suppose it could be worse as we'll only be fitting in one set of parents (plus two sets of Old Folks and one Brother with a horde of children). We'll be having a traditional Christmas at Sian's parents. They'll go off to Church for half the day while I stay at home (I hope she's bought me a book!), then her parents will tut while I crack open the wine, beer and whiskey in their otherwise-tea-total house. At this point, Sian, who will have assured me that she will have a drink, will have a half a glass of wine and leave me to finish the rest. A task I would usually bare without complaint, but at the sober in-laws...?

Humbug.

I wonder what Sian's got me for Christmas?

Trip to the Seaside

2004-12-20T17:46:00.000Z

Last week I took at trip down to Brighton for work. The site visit was fairly uneventful, marked only by the rain that soaked me to the skin in seconds. Two things, however, were noteworthy, so I'll note them.

1) I went to Crawley Sword Club to say hello to some old friends. It was really great to see everyone again, and stab each other with swords for old time's sake.

2) The BREAKFAST! Wow! This is the new Gold standard by which all future fryups will be judged and doomed to mediocrity. Bow and scrape you greasy rashers, for your cholesterol charms are as nothing to this Prince of Pork, Emperor of Egg! Hide your eyes from the Majesty of its mushrooms.

10/10 Golden Grease Award

Hoggart! You old dog!

2004-12-20T17:24:00.000Z

Guardian Unlimited | The Guardian | Whitehall braces for criticism as Blunkett plot thickens: "The saga took a further twist when it was revealed that Mrs Quinn was also having an affair with Simon Hoggart, the Guardian's political sketch writer and the Spectator's wine correspondent. The News of the World claimed that Hoggart was seeing Mrs Quinn at the same time as Mr Blunkett and suggested that he could be the father of the baby Mrs Quinn is expecting. Hoggart at first denied having an affair with Mrs Quinn but said in a statement yesterday: 'Contrary to the impression I gave last night we did have a sexual relationship, which started before her marriage, but the relationship be came very infrequent indeed afterwards. "

Who'd've thought he had it in him?

Or in her? Even infrequently?